Family

wishing i was home
missing my loud and insane family
wanting to wake up without the occean
new family grows by the day
but nothing with satisfy like blood

wonder

nervous of the feelings that i am creating

excited by their meaning

intimidated of the future

elated by the possibility of forever

run

where.
east or west.
how.
car or plane.
when.
now or never.

the potential is grand.
but fear overrides.

bear tooth necklace

like no time had passed.
aboundance of water under our bridge.
changed hearts.
matured minds.
one day to fall for you again.
no answers.
just questions.
time and God´s provision will tell this tale.
of friendship.
and of love.

adventure awaits.

recovery

realised my potential in love.
understand my ability for regrowth.
cell by cell.
each neutron regaining strength and purpose.

vital organs restored
the one with all the strings running to and from it-
this organ has started its recovery process.

desire

upwind from the flame
wanting nothing more
chilled

the press of your body
warmth from your lips
your attention

might be the only feeling
the one thing i desire

kites

acting 10 and living free
dubble bubble and cap guns
philosophical discussions
heart to heart
nose to nose
saying goodbye three plus times

now i sit
wishing we were in a different life
hands over my mouth
holding on to the last taste of your lips

elton and dilon
two freaks expierencing life and love

it was a nightmare

i had a dream about you last night.
you were waiting for me at the airport.
my surprise was overtaken by joy.
until i got a side hug and a whisper
'im waiting for her. i trust that you agree'
i woke up with tears.

frustration

anger.

pain.

annoyance.

dishonesty.

rejection.

bitterness.

these are my thoughts and feelings towards christians.

i am starting to understand better why so many non-believers dislike us.

do you follow through on your word?

do you check up on your friends, when you know that they could be struggling? or do we just allow life to take us away on an adventure and forget.

im not an angel. far from. and i certainly add to my own frustration.

but we are all called to more than this.

pick up the phone.

ask the hard questions.

be blunt.

stay accountable.

no such thing as perfection. so why pretend your life is?

my life is nothing.

and nothing is as it seems.

judge as you wish.

i didnt think i would end up like this.

is 'this' a good place?

would you know the right answer?!

i have found lately that life is not worth living if you arent living in it.

stop waiting for your life to start.

just start your life.

be adventureous.

take a risk.

choose to make everyday the greatest day possible.

does everyone do this?

do we all use each other this way?
lying our way into peoples lives,
pretending to be something we aren't.
using your relationships to curb your insecurities.
why cant people just be honest and real?
take the risk
otherwise you may end up with surface level friends
and no one to save you from yourself

instead of this perfect image, lets just be real.

come back.

i miss our friendship.
chatting for hours.
so few hours of sleep.
secret dates.
watching films.
rewatching films.
knowing you were just a call away.
your spontaneous nature.
acting like children.
board games. lego.

i miss chicopee.

the truth

even if the truth is going to hurt you, wouldnt you want to know? so that you arent living in a bubble of misconceptions!?

when in love i want to know, even if the truth would break my heart. i want to know your darkest fears, i want to know your biggest dreams, i want to scream at you when i hurt and cry on your chest when im too tired to do anything else. for i know everything else about you, i want to know the crap too, the stuff that you hide while on the boardwalk at the beach, the things that you dont think i could handle. i still deserve to know.

i cannot imagine that i could love to the fullest potiental if i wasnt fully honest. if it meant heart ache for the next year, it would be better than living in this secretive life and finding out that you felt comfortable lying for so long.

love has never been simple. my fear of being alone will never keep me from telling the truth.

tard face

get over it.
we are both in better places. i honestly would never change a thing.
if you agree then be there. be here.
come out from under the covers, out of the pages of your journal.
i will wait. but id rather do what we always promised to do.
stay friends.

just thinking

Once Satan has attached himself to your pinky toe, he has control over your whole leg.

The Original Ginger Soda

Vernors.
The most amazing pop that there is when your throat feels as though you drank acid.
Actually, Vernors is yummy anytime.
Same with Root Beer & Cream Soda.

Those are the only pops that I really drink. Im not really a soda drinker... I'd rather have milk.
Or tea. Or plain ol' h2o!

About to enjoy a cup of Neocitran and pass out in my bed with my oversized blankets and pillows.

headaches

i can feel every beat of my heart echo in my head.
every time i swallow my throat and chest screams for help!
normally i cant sleep in the afternoon, currently i cant stay awake.

i dont like being sick.
i feel ten, i want my mom.

CMKY

i will pray for you until you are back on your feet.
and then more.
you mean more to me than i could ever explain.
you understand me and dont judge me.
you forgive me even when i dont deserve it.
you believe in me.
i just want to watch you dance freely.
i want to run around the city till all hours of the night with you.
laughing and crying. watching the best and worst movies of all time.
crossing off lists.
i miss you like crazy.
and i love you even more.

dang son

God is serious business sometimes. shoot. He's not always rainbows and butterflies!! heck, more often than not he means business. serious business.

Jeremiah 49:16 "The terror you inspire and the pride of your heart have deceived you, you who live in the clefts of the rocks, who occupy the heights of the hill. Though you build your nest as high as the eagle's, from there I will bring you down," declares the LORD"

GOD WILL BRING YOU DOWN. like for real. think about that! God, the most powerful being, will bring you down. down. not smack you and set your straight. bring you DOWN.

yikes. we better start really thinking about what we are doing, or not doing for the cause of Christ.

BNB

the typical phase that leaves my mouth at least once a day.
bad news bears.

its not only a warning to myself to back up, but its a plea for you to do the same.

look at everything that is happening. is it worth it?
should you really be speaking like that? are you sure you want to do that?
you may look hardXcore to some, but to me you look pathetic.
bnb can sum up my own actions, i tend to first do what i dont want to do, then think of being a bnb and try to redirect my actions to doing what i want to do. funny how sometimes we are acting completly out of routine. routine is the hardest thing to break.
its hard to act like a good bear.

but im trying.

MTF

Some people say that Christians get married young b/c they just want to have sex, others say its cuz they know what they want in their partner... and the select few claim that Jesus has told them that this is the one. I dont really have an opinion on the matter, the point is that people get married young, and I guess I just dont get it.
Or maybe Im just more fearful than I thought I was. To MARRY someone is a big deal, espically if you are a Christian that believes that it is a vow to God that is not to be broken. So to commit to one person for the rest of your life, never to leave them, never to waver, that is terrifying to me.
You may try to comfort me and tell me that when I find that one person then its not as terriying. Perhaps my heart just needs to heal a lil more, so that it will be open to new love. I have recently learned that I now have very little trust in males. Which I suppose could add to the terrying thought of having to marry one! ha!
Reguardless, I want to be secure in who God has created me to be, and what he has created me to do, BEFORE I commit to a man for the rest of my life. I am going to keep my dreams alive and never settle for anything less than what I deserve.

you.

you scare me.
your ability to ask for trust when you still have a secret.
the entitlement to happiness you seem to think you have.
you are blind to the wake you leave.
or do you see and not care?
are you being honest with you?
you tend to ruin me.

but I AM you.
and you ARE me.

perhaps two of a kind.
perhaps one person.

perhaps both.

uni?

i have always said that school was not for me, and while i never thought that i would succeed in university, a friend of mine has encouraged me otherwise.
it didnt take much, a simple "i truly think that you would excel in uni if only you found a program you were interested in"
unbenounced to Geo Joe, that sparked something inside of me.... ive been searching online for a program i would be interested in that would go with my calling to be a missionary...
well folks, i think ive found it!!!

there are only two downsides to this idea, its in my hometown... and its four years of SCHOOL!