my scattered thoughts

Double Edged Sword

2011-02-22T14:48:00.000-08:00

it takes only a moment to shatter a life

disorient an entire belief

only a single misguided thought

your gift of speech has torn me

do you realize?

everything has changed

never to be quite the same

any bad day reminds me

will time heal?

i have no option but to believe

it has to

undecided

2010-09-04T00:37:00.000-07:00

i want to move where you lead

take a chance and fall in your grace

be reminded of your mercy

then i see her laying in the mud

see the agnony in her eyes

hear her voice calling for freedom

frozen with doubt

will change ever come

is there hope or should i just stay

i want to move where you lead

take a chance and fall in your grace

be reminded of your mercy

Your words ring loud

Be on your guard

stand firm in the faith

be men of courage

be strong

leave me alone

2010-04-20T22:45:00.000-07:00

the puddle grows cold
sweet relief to feel the blood drain
passing the point of understanding
oh, to soak into my misery's pond
to become a shadow
a whisper
of myself

there is no escape from this
no escape from my shame
i deserve no sympathy
but the pain of your visits means
i'm alive

haircut

2010-02-27T13:24:00.000-08:00

i have no fear with scissors
no fear of the typical
no hestiation in love
but my heart stops
my lips seal shut
every ounce of self tramatized
just by hearing your name.

giving up
gave up
the world still spinning
sunrise and sunset
life moves
changes
but the pain remains

reply

2010-02-13T23:36:00.000-08:00

brakes seized

hidden tears

mute screams

whispered prayers

wonder

confusion

emptiness

anger

baludu

2010-02-09T11:56:00.000-08:00

pain of disbelief
confusion
and respect
rotting pit inside

no glourious mountain
or raging sea
can speak solace

insomnia creeps
depression edges

Family

2009-12-24T16:24:00.000-08:00

wishing i was home
missing my loud and insane family
wanting to wake up without the occean
new family grows by the day
but nothing with satisfy like blood

wonder

2009-11-25T10:26:00.000-08:00

nervous of the feelings that i am creating

excited by their meaning

intimidated of the future

elated by the possibility of forever

run

2009-09-28T08:07:00.000-07:00

where.
east or west.
how.
car or plane.
when.
now or never.

the potential is grand.
but fear overrides.

bear tooth necklace

2009-09-08T16:50:00.000-07:00

like no time had passed.
aboundance of water under our bridge.
changed hearts.
matured minds.
one day to fall for you again.
no answers.
just questions.
time and God´s provision will tell this tale.
of friendship.
and of love.

adventure awaits.

recovery

2009-08-11T15:44:00.000-07:00

realised my potential in love.
understand my ability for regrowth.
cell by cell.
each neutron regaining strength and purpose.

vital organs restored
the one with all the strings running to and from it-
this organ has started its recovery process.

desire

2009-08-11T15:32:00.000-07:00

upwind from the flame
wanting nothing more
chilled

the press of your body
warmth from your lips
your attention

might be the only feeling
the one thing i desire

kites

2009-07-24T13:29:00.000-07:00

acting 10 and living free
dubble bubble and cap guns
philosophical discussions
heart to heart
nose to nose
saying goodbye three plus times

now i sit
wishing we were in a different life
hands over my mouth
holding on to the last taste of your lips

elton and dilon
two freaks expierencing life and love

it was a nightmare

2009-07-18T08:04:00.000-07:00

i had a dream about you last night.
you were waiting for me at the airport.
my surprise was overtaken by joy.
until i got a side hug and a whisper
'im waiting for her. i trust that you agree'
i woke up with tears.

frustration

2009-07-08T14:06:00.000-07:00

anger.

pain.

annoyance.

dishonesty.

rejection.

bitterness.

these are my thoughts and feelings towards christians.

i am starting to understand better why so many non-believers dislike us.

do you follow through on your word?

do you check up on your friends, when you know that they could be struggling? or do we just allow life to take us away on an adventure and forget.

im not an angel. far from. and i certainly add to my own frustration.

but we are all called to more than this.

pick up the phone.

ask the hard questions.

be blunt.

stay accountable.

no such thing as perfection. so why pretend your life is?

my life is nothing.

and nothing is as it seems.

judge as you wish.

i didnt think i would end up like this.

is 'this' a good place?

would you know the right answer?!

i have found lately that life is not worth living if you arent living in it.

stop waiting for your life to start.

just start your life.

be adventureous.

take a risk.

choose to make everyday the greatest day possible.

does everyone do this?

2009-05-11T10:49:00.000-07:00

do we all use each other this way?
lying our way into peoples lives,
pretending to be something we aren't.
using your relationships to curb your insecurities.
why cant people just be honest and real?
take the risk
otherwise you may end up with surface level friends
and no one to save you from yourself

instead of this perfect image, lets just be real.

come back.

2009-04-13T17:14:00.000-07:00

i miss our friendship.
chatting for hours.
so few hours of sleep.
secret dates.
watching films.
rewatching films.
knowing you were just a call away.
your spontaneous nature.
acting like children.
board games. lego.

i miss chicopee.

the truth

2009-03-30T10:32:00.000-07:00

even if the truth is going to hurt you, wouldnt you want to know? so that you arent living in a bubble of misconceptions!?

when in love i want to know, even if the truth would break my heart. i want to know your darkest fears, i want to know your biggest dreams, i want to scream at you when i hurt and cry on your chest when im too tired to do anything else. for i know everything else about you, i want to know the crap too, the stuff that you hide while on the boardwalk at the beach, the things that you dont think i could handle. i still deserve to know.

i cannot imagine that i could love to the fullest potiental if i wasnt fully honest. if it meant heart ache for the next year, it would be better than living in this secretive life and finding out that you felt comfortable lying for so long.

love has never been simple. my fear of being alone will never keep me from telling the truth.

tard face

2009-03-16T16:22:00.000-07:00

get over it.
we are both in better places. i honestly would never change a thing.
if you agree then be there. be here.
come out from under the covers, out of the pages of your journal.
i will wait. but id rather do what we always promised to do.
stay friends.

just thinking

2009-02-26T20:48:00.000-08:00

Once Satan has attached himself to your pinky toe, he has control over your whole leg.

The Original Ginger Soda

2009-02-25T20:22:00.000-08:00

Vernors.
The most amazing pop that there is when your throat feels as though you drank acid.
Actually, Vernors is yummy anytime.
Same with Root Beer & Cream Soda.

Those are the only pops that I really drink. Im not really a soda drinker... I'd rather have milk.
Or tea. Or plain ol' h2o!

About to enjoy a cup of Neocitran and pass out in my bed with my oversized blankets and pillows.

headaches

2009-02-23T13:00:00.000-08:00

i can feel every beat of my heart echo in my head.
every time i swallow my throat and chest screams for help!
normally i cant sleep in the afternoon, currently i cant stay awake.

i dont like being sick.
i feel ten, i want my mom.

CMKY

2009-02-10T11:53:00.000-08:00

i will pray for you until you are back on your feet.
and then more.
you mean more to me than i could ever explain.
you understand me and dont judge me.
you forgive me even when i dont deserve it.
you believe in me.
i just want to watch you dance freely.
i want to run around the city till all hours of the night with you.
laughing and crying. watching the best and worst movies of all time.
crossing off lists.
i miss you like crazy.
and i love you even more.

dang son

2009-01-29T09:53:00.000-08:00

God is serious business sometimes. shoot. He's not always rainbows and butterflies!! heck, more often than not he means business. serious business.

Jeremiah 49:16 "The terror you inspire and the pride of your heart have deceived you, you who live in the clefts of the rocks, who occupy the heights of the hill. Though you build your nest as high as the eagle's, from there I will bring you down," declares the LORD"

GOD WILL BRING YOU DOWN. like for real. think about that! God, the most powerful being, will bring you down. down. not smack you and set your straight. bring you DOWN.

yikes. we better start really thinking about what we are doing, or not doing for the cause of Christ.

BNB

2009-01-27T16:57:00.000-08:00

the typical phase that leaves my mouth at least once a day.
bad news bears.

its not only a warning to myself to back up, but its a plea for you to do the same.

look at everything that is happening. is it worth it?
should you really be speaking like that? are you sure you want to do that?
you may look hardXcore to some, but to me you look pathetic.
bnb can sum up my own actions, i tend to first do what i dont want to do, then think of being a bnb and try to redirect my actions to doing what i want to do. funny how sometimes we are acting completly out of routine. routine is the hardest thing to break.
its hard to act like a good bear.

but im trying.

MTF

2009-01-24T12:16:00.000-08:00

Some people say that Christians get married young b/c they just want to have sex, others say its cuz they know what they want in their partner... and the select few claim that Jesus has told them that this is the one. I dont really have an opinion on the matter, the point is that people get married young, and I guess I just dont get it.
Or maybe Im just more fearful than I thought I was. To MARRY someone is a big deal, espically if you are a Christian that believes that it is a vow to God that is not to be broken. So to commit to one person for the rest of your life, never to leave them, never to waver, that is terrifying to me.
You may try to comfort me and tell me that when I find that one person then its not as terriying. Perhaps my heart just needs to heal a lil more, so that it will be open to new love. I have recently learned that I now have very little trust in males. Which I suppose could add to the terrying thought of having to marry one! ha!
Reguardless, I want to be secure in who God has created me to be, and what he has created me to do, BEFORE I commit to a man for the rest of my life. I am going to keep my dreams alive and never settle for anything less than what I deserve.

you.

2009-01-20T19:13:00.000-08:00

you scare me.
your ability to ask for trust when you still have a secret.
the entitlement to happiness you seem to think you have.
you are blind to the wake you leave.
or do you see and not care?
are you being honest with you?
you tend to ruin me.

but I AM you.
and you ARE me.

perhaps two of a kind.
perhaps one person.

perhaps both.

uni?

2009-01-04T11:54:00.000-08:00

i have always said that school was not for me, and while i never thought that i would succeed in university, a friend of mine has encouraged me otherwise.
it didnt take much, a simple "i truly think that you would excel in uni if only you found a program you were interested in"
unbenounced to Geo Joe, that sparked something inside of me.... ive been searching online for a program i would be interested in that would go with my calling to be a missionary...
well folks, i think ive found it!!!

there are only two downsides to this idea, its in my hometown... and its four years of SCHOOL!

celebrations

2008-12-28T12:26:00.000-08:00

i enjoy spending time with the fam jam.
there is always an aboundance of laughter and food.
there is an immediate bond between strangers when they are introduced as a relative. years can pass by and they are still welcomed with open arms.
biology is a funny thing. i think its a lil more complex than we give it credit for.
whether you are a second cousin, or once-removed ;) you are still apart of who we all are.
heck this is how we should view mankind. we need to start looking for a connection with strangers, you never know, they may have played hockey with your childhood husband.
we could all be making new families within our community, one random conversation at a time.

Dodge Ram

2008-12-01T14:52:00.000-08:00

when you pray for something with such desperation and urgency when the answer comes back within minutes why are we so shocked?!
this is how it is for me at least. maybe im alone on this matter, but i doubt it.
today i was in desperate need to find the ministry of transportation building in Guelph. needless to say i couldnt, the time was ticking much faster than i was driving. i had eight minutes to find this place. i had already been praying for God to reveal the building with flashing lights, now i was praying that God would simply direct me in the direction of EAST!
i pulled into a Petro and asked the gas attendent, ironically enough she just came to Canada last month. the first thought, OF COURSE! *disclaimer, she truly told me she just got to canada last month!!!im not trying to be funny, and im not being racist! im telling facts! *
SO... i turn around and i see a man in a toque with a large double double (from timmys)! and i thought A CANADIAN:D and hopefully a resident of Guelph!!!!:D and he WASSS!! eek!!
he explain in detail where i needed to go, even gave me extra points of references! thennnn told me to follow him cuz he was going that direction anyways!!
he hoped in his truck, i in the volvo... i walked in 1 minute late and praising Jesus for sending me a Canadian.

Brooks Reynolds

2008-11-15T15:17:00.000-08:00

Its awesome when you can look at a person and say "wow God has truly blessed them!" we do have to be careful however to not become envious of the blessings God has given them.
The person that comes to mind when I ponder about blessings is that of Brooks Reynolds.
He is a friend of a friend, and I have had the privilege of getting to know Brooks in the past three years. Enough to know that God has blessed him richly with creativity and talent in the photography world. It always amazes where Brooks captures beauty, it can be in the most simple things of life. I have truly come to respect him as a person aswell as an artist.

He has been working fervently on a personal project that I would like to shamelessly plug. Please visit www.wearesleepinggiants.com and look through his newest project.
If you wish to see more of his work his blog is www.brooksreynolds.com
Grab a beverage, sit and just really enjoy the photos that Brooks Reynolds has taken.

sock

2008-11-13T20:38:00.000-08:00

tonight i recieved new news about my vechile... news that means either alot of money or im taking the bus. unfortunatly reality says that there is a very strong chance that i will be taking the grt everywhere. i have to pick up more shifts simply to pay for MCC, let alone a new car!

regardless this blog was not about my major money shortage!

but the fact that everytime, and i mean like EVERYTIME i take my sock off i say (either out loud or in my head) "huh :) i have a tattoo:)" or "huh, my tattoo is just so cute!:D" OR my favourite which happened tonight " HUH!? oh right tattoo..." phew!
no word of a lie. i think i have a mild case of amnesia.

if i die, i die

2008-11-12T19:29:00.000-08:00

what would you do if you truly thought that there was a good chance you could die tomorrow... or that Jesus was returning on friday?
would you live your life a little different? would you begin to appreicate your family and friends a little more? perhaps even be bold enough to talk to the cutie that serves you gelato? maybe even telling someone about God so that there is at least one less person getting tortured in hell?

well lately ive been really challenging myself in thinking that tomorrow is not a guarantee. we so often think and plan that our lives will end when we are old and in a wheelchair... but guess what?! you really have no idea if you will croak tomorrow, or in 3 weeks from now, or in 30 years from now.

I guess im just trying not to dwell on the future and what it all holds and means, but im trying to live my life to the fullest, making the most of the short time i might have on this earth.

tires

2008-11-12T19:13:00.001-08:00

this month.. no scratch that... the past two weeks... ive have two flat tires.
one on my moms car when i was in TO (then drove home on the spare [not fun]) then when i returned home, i found out that my front two tires on MY car needed to be replaced ASAP, cuz they were on the verge of exploding...
THEN
tonight my back tire got a flat while i was going home from east sides.
luckly jon and darren saw my car on the side of the road and fix my tire, and then drove me home once i dropped it off at the shop.
im very grateful for my friends :)
not so much for my car anymore, its being kinda a jerk lately... sigh. oh well. such is life.

2008-10-30T22:43:00.001-07:00

The key is to surprise the world....

one reason

2008-10-29T17:52:00.000-07:00

It is the end of October and I wasnt the slightest bit surprised to be scraping the frost off my car on a daily basis. Snow is now covering the ground in the mornings. Its going to be like this until April. Cold. White. Cold. sigh.
It certainly makes me wish I was in Cali, or Brazil... heck anywhere that doesnt get the copius amounts of snow that Waterloo gets.
Someday. One day.

its kinda funny...

2008-10-27T05:28:00.000-07:00

New interest and new feelings are just as complicated as old.
I wish that I could just be there with you. Helping you.
Encouraging you.
But Im here, doing as the Lord asks of me.
Till he is done with me, I will be here.
Someday. One day. I will come.
I wish that this could be easy. That the phone was your hand.
That your words could be heard and touched.

H

2008-10-22T16:21:00.000-07:00

No words need to be spoken aloud.

I know your voice.

You make me feel safe.

Loved.

You are my past.

My hurt.

.
Always forgiven.

Never forgotten.

Birds of Paradise.

Chapstick and blankets.

It rained today, I thought of you.

.kips.jinx.

Strange thoughts

2008-10-21T09:55:00.000-07:00

This occured a few weeks ago, it was a saturday and I was on my break at work when I saw the comics... to my surprise the first thought I had was that it has been months if not years since the last time I read the saturday comics. What once was a weekly routine as a child and teen had now become non-existant. I began to read them and just began to turn the first page when someone called for me and I had to put the paper down. It has now been over three weeks later and I still have yet to read the saturday comics. How has my life become so busy?! Im 20, I shouldnt have to be this busy!

Another strange thought that same day... let me explain how it took place...
I was leaning on the 'reach in fridge' preparing my heart for the lunch rush, when I hear a faint "beeeep beeeeep" and a chit pop up reading:

IN:28
Reg. Latte
Cocca

So with that I promptly grab the correct ingredience and within 120seconds a regular latte with cocca is on a plate and heading towards a customer. The strange thought came as Sally delievered the Latte to a lady with rediculous looking glasses, that I take orders from a machine. No matter what that machine say to do, I do it, and I do it fast and effectivly... it says 4 pom-a-berry... I make 4... it says three strawberry caramel slash waffle--sub strawberry with apple and no whipped cream, but only on two... THAT is what I will make. I myself have become a machine, simple doing the tasks my fellow machine orders me to do.

intensity

2008-09-09T12:31:00.000-07:00

My life is about to start spinning.
I got a list of days that I have free to work throughout the year. HA.
To say the least I will be a busy girl! Similar to the past year, any day off of MCC I will be working at Williams. Which means that my first real day off will be Christmas!
Im excited to an extent, because then the year will zoom past! Ill be too busy to miss BC and too busy to think about my life.
I will just dig deep into the teachings that God has planned out for me this year, and invest all my strength and focus on becoming a more effective leader. woo!
I guess this summer I really began to understand how fast time goes by. Being back out west really made me think, I dont take advantage of my days nearly as much as I should. We really don't know how long we have here on earth, heck I may not see the sun rise tomorrow! And if that is the case, then I want to LIVE today. I want the people that I care about to know that I love them! I want to see as much of the beauty God has created as I can.

On my way home from work today I saw a couple pulled over to the side of the road, the girl was sitting on the ground crying and the boy was standing over her yelling. Obviously in some sort of argument, but the passion that I witnessed was striking. Even the anger and hurt that was being shared between the two of them, you know that there is something else there. Something deep.
We are interesting beings. Our emotions, expierences, we are such complex beings.

This past weekend my mother and I went to see my twin cousins play soccer, and to my surprise within minutes of sitting down, I started to choke up. All I could think what "what the heck!? why do i want to cry?" for some bizarre reason, perhaps I miss playing soccer? or I was super duper proud? reguardless of the reason, I could barely keep the tears from falling down my cheeks.

Humans are strange.

your name and what do you do?

2008-09-07T20:06:00.000-07:00

I enjoy meeting new people.
Heck, I just enjoy people! Talking with them, just hanging out and getting to know another human being. It truly makes my heart happy :)
It is awesome to hear some of the trials and victories that people have gone through that have made them who they are today. And it is awesome to be able to cherish that person today.

Take the time to get to know someone new. You never know who is sitting in the same room.

red nails

2008-09-05T18:10:00.000-07:00

Im not much of a girly girl, but there is something about having fresh nail polish that makes me feel cute and flirty ;)

I havent felt like this is a long while. I think im going to pull out out my skinny jeans and put away my boy jeans.

It makes me nervous to have this joy bubbling inside, I'm thinking that life is about to turn a corner and I'm not all that positive what lays ahead on the next street.

For now I'll just keep on keeping on.

Plastic

2008-09-01T11:58:00.000-07:00

Holy crap!
I just looked at my bank statements... FRICK!
I knew I havent had the best self control over the summer, but I didnt know it was this bad. I am going to cut up my VISA and leave my debit card at home. Im going to bring a bagged lunch to work every day, and my social life will be me hanging out in my backyard with the frogs.
No spending money (unless its gas)
Obviously I understand how hard this is going to be, but somehow I have to! I dont make enough money to support this kind of spending! Nor am I able to actually SAVE any money!

I know and trust that God is my ultimate provider. I do not need to worry that I will go hungry. BUT I also know that God has given me the strength to work my butt off and the self-disicpline to pinch pennies. I have been taught to fight, and I will not give in to the teasing purple pumps, or the mouth watering Grande no-water no-foam Tazo Chai...

I will be strong. I will SAVE MONEY!!!!!!!!!
WOO! :D

future confusion

2008-08-31T17:08:00.000-07:00

Never have I wanted to move my feet and lose my seat so bad.
One day I will understand the reason of this season.
Next time we wont go about things assbackwards.

McMullin's

2008-08-28T07:40:00.000-07:00

I got the chance to meet some new people last night. Two of the guys I was sitting near started talking to me about what I do, or rather where I go to school... this started the ball rolling. We ended up talking for about an hour about my beliefs and about the God that I know and love.
At first they would challenge every word that I said, near the end they began to grasp that I had a rather strong relationship with Christ and wasnt just a pew warmer.

At one point someone asked if the church would like the fact that I was at a bar at that moment. For a moment I wasnt sure how to answer him. Because there are alot of people in the church that would indeed say that I shouldnt been seen in a bar, and there are alot of people that either think its perfectly fine or couldnt care less.

At some point in the past few years Ive come to realise and really understand that the bar is a safe place for them, a place they are themseles. Alot of the people I have met at the bar have become really good friends of mine. They are more honest than some of my church friends. I'm just making friends and hopefully loving them like Christ has called me to do.

DISCLAIMER: I am well aware of the effects being in this "scene" can have on myself. I do not join the crowd in their binge drinking, if i consume any alcohol I have a limit of one drink a night. I have a support network of people that hold me accountable.

I am not walking blind, but I am walking.

water.sun.sand

2008-08-26T19:05:00.000-07:00

The other day I went to the beach to relax and hopefully soak up the sun. The sun was out and on full blast, but sadly so was the wind.
Reguardless of the cool chill in the air I found myself at such peace. Simply just hearing the waves crashing makes a smile creep on my face.
Looking up and down the beach of Grand Bend makes me appreciate the beauty of Ontario. I have been blessed to have seen so much of my country and of our southern neighbours. God has created some amazing and beautiful places!!
Someday I will all of the "Seven Natural Wonders of the World"

Mount Everest- Nepal
Victoria Falls- Zimbabwe/Zambia
The Grand Caynon- Arizona, USA -----DONE!
The Great Barrier Reef- Austrailla
Northern Lights -----DONE!
The Harbor of Rio de Janeiro- Brazil
Paricutin Volcano- Mexico

See you soon?

2008-08-25T21:56:00.000-07:00

Frick it can be difficult to say goodbye!

I have more than one home. More than one family.

Families that are seperated by 2778km.

More than anything I wish I had a way of living in two places at once. God keeps blessing me with new friends and stronger bonds with old ones. While I am grateful for this, it makes goodbyes harder.
I am excited for the next season of my life, if it is anything like the last 12 months... it will be an interesting one to say the least.